Roses...

I have to say, reflecting on things lately and accepting the things I cannot change is becoming easier and easier. I continue to see prayers answered and Praise God each and every time. I have been given answers to my questions that I left unspoken in the most unexpected ways and I am growing more and more content and am discovering an inner peace.
I have my faith. I am happy with who I am. I love my husband and my children. I am happy to have a few great people I call friends. IN FACT some of those friends are even closer than family! I have a small group of family who have shown me what family should be, I live for today doing the best that I can and will not dwell on negative any longer. I do not have time for people who are a negative force in my life. I don't talk about people and wont say things behind someone's back that I would not be willing to say to their face. I don't talk behind somebody's back because I know how it feels to find out that is going on behind my own. Life is too short to fight or argue with ANYONE over ANYTHING. Will any of it matter in 5 years?
I still have a broken heart over losing certain people in my life and praying for a TRUE reconciliation. Holding a grudge will allow a person to live in your head rent free!! So if you have something eating at you about me, PLEASE tell me how you are hurting and lets work it out!
I have been experiencing moments with God that are glimpse's into my future and I feel happy about what lies ahead of me and my sweet husband! Yes we have small burdens and hurdles but we learned that nothing is too overwhelming and nothing is too hard to get out of. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes it is hard to see that light only because you are only at the beginning of the tunnel. Have patience you'll get there! 
So it has been a few days since I started this entry and I received an email that I wanted to share in it because I feel it is relivent in my life and in others perhaps that may or may not read my posts so here it is:

The Treasure of Friendship
Mary Southerland

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV) "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Friend to Friend
Friendship is the springboard to every other love and the foundation for every healthy relationship. It is a proven fact that lonely people live shorter lives than those who have healthy friendships. Even Jesus needed friends when He walked this earth as a man. In fact, He placed great value on relationships. The Bible tells us Jesus spent much of His time deepening the relationships with a few – not the crowd. 
I love the story of an ingenious teenager who was tired of reading bedtime stories to his little sister. He decided to record several of her favorite stories on tape. When he presented the tape player and tape to his sister, he explained, "Now you can hear your stories any time you want.  Isn't that great?" The little girl took one look at the machine, frowned and then replied, "No! It is not great! That thing does not have a lap!"
God created us to need each other. That truth is never more evident than when we are in pain or struggling with some crisis in life. One of the main factors leading to a two-year battle with clinical depression in my life was the absence of replenishing friendships.  As I think back to that time, I am sure many women would have counted themselves as my friend when, in reality, they were simply acquaintances because that was all I would allow them to be. My pride kept me from admitting I wasn't Superwoman and that I did need the help of others. My insecurity held me back from reaching out to new friends and cultivating old ones.
To admit my need of a friend seemed like a weakness instead of the precious gift God created it to be. I refused to take the risk of being hurt, rejected or misunderstood.  I did not have time to invest in building intimate friendships and was too busy doing the work of God to be a friend.  As a result, when the darkness hit, I felt isolated and alone. Friendship took on an entirely different meaning in my life from that point on. In fact, friends are a great source of strength and encouragement in my life today. Friends fast and pray for me, holding me accountable and confronting me when they see my priorities lining up in the wrong way. Friends make me stop and take time for fun. Friends have taught me to be transparent.
Have I been hurt along the way? Yes. 
Have I been misunderstood? Yes. 
Have the friendships been worth the price? Absolutely! 
Roses are beautiful flowers. People who know me are aware of the fact that I can kill any plant known to mankind.  I once had a neighbor who grew roses in every shade of pink, yellow and red. I often watched Joan work in her garden and eventually realized she never handled the roses without wearing long sleeves and thick gloves. The roses were beautiful, but their thorns were not and could certainly inflict a lot of pain. In fact, my neighbor always seemed to have cuts and scrapes on her hands and arms even with the long sleeves and gloves she wore. I once asked Joan why she continued to grow roses and jokingly suggested she might want to consider raising a less dangerous kind of flower. I will never forget her answer and the profound truth it held, "The beauty of the rose is worth the occasional wound it gives. I have learned to handle the roses with respect and in such a way that my wounds are few." The same truth can be said of friendships.

The words of Jesus found in John 13:34-35, portray the perfect backdrop for God's love.  "And so I am giving a new commandment to you now--love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples." Does the world know we are His disciples by the way we love and relate to each other? 
   
Chad was a shy, quiet little boy. One day he came home and told his mother he'd like to make a valentine for everyone in his class. Her heart sank. "I wish he wouldn't do that!" she thought. She had watched the children when they walked home from school. Her Chad was always behind them. They laughed and hung on to each other and talked to each other, but Chad was never included. Still, she decided to go along with her son's plan. She purchased the paper, glue and crayons, and for three whole weeks, night after night, Chad painstakingly made thirty-five valentines. Valentine's Day dawned, and Chad was frantic with excitement! He carefully placed the valentines in a bag, and bolted out the door.
His mom decided to bake his favorite cookies because she knew he would be disappointed when he came home from school. It hurt her to think he wouldn't get many valentines -- maybe none at all. That afternoon she had the cookies and milk on the table. Finally, when she heard their voices, she looked out the window to see the children laughing and having the best time. As usual, there was Chad in the rear but walking a little faster than usual.
She fully expected him to burst into tears as soon as he got inside. His arms were empty and when the door opened, she choked back tears as she said, "Honey, I have some warm cookies and milk for you" but he hardly heard her words. He just marched right on by, his face glowing, and all he could say was: "Not a one -- not a one." The mother's heart sank. Then he added, "I didn't forget a one, not a single one!" When God is in control of our friendships and when we trust Him with those friendships, we will be a better friend, and we will have more true friends.

1 Peter 4:8 (NLT) "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins."
"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope." Anonymous

YUP That is it, thanks Reader and God Bless. I hope and pray that your  "Roses" are worth it to you!! :)



Update of ME...

"This family has been so destroyed with anger, it will never be the same" A quote from a show on A&E. It actually is quite suitable to our own family in which I sadly clearly realized yesterday when we decided to sneak over to Mom and Larry's to meet our newest little niece last night. She was beautiful and perfect. I personally got hold her and feed her and I could smell that intoxicating baby smell and held back my sobs very well while thinking how little we will know this little girl and how little she know us. It truly breaks my heart.(This section was written a little while ago)

I guess I will take this opportunity to explain some things about where I am and how I got here, so IF my sisters in law read this they will understand some things about me. First off Facebook, it is a great thing to reach out to long lost relatives, friends, and an easy way to minister to others but it can also be a tool the Enemy can use to cause you to live in sin, hiding behind the computer and obsessing over status updates and reading between the lines trying to figure out what ones have hidden meanings with secret stabs at who you are. I was doing just that. I was living in sin obsessing over a couple of people and their status updates and trying to figure out what the jabs were and so I stopped subscribing to the updates but that wasn't enough to stop it. I then would go a couple weeks without taking a look but then temptation was too much I would go looking for the ones I missed over the past few weeks and try reading between the lines, so I removed them all together from my friends list without explanations and the more time went by the harder it seemed to explain it to them, there were others I removed from my friends list for different reasons mainly because they were posting rude and inconsiderate comments on my Facebook page and I was sick of it, I figured if you want to insult me why would I keep you as a friend? Friends don't do that! Anyways I am over the obsessive monitoring of others and I know it is stupid to read into things on Facebook of all things and I don't care about what others write if they want to use Facebook as a place to take jabs at me fine I don't care honestly, I was a little disappointed that my nieces took it on themselves to remove me from their pages when they had nothing to do with what was going on between me and their moms but I know how it feels now too when you were not expecting it so I am sorry for not explaining my actions to you sisters of my husband.I have to say it was extremely difficult to humbly go to Mom and Larry's that night and to say out loud that I DO LOVE them even with all the hurts that happened but I did and I could not believe the reaction and rejection I felt after but I do still LOVE them and still hold them in my prayers daily. If they wanted to re add me then great but I am not going to put myself out there to feel rejection again and I can move on in my life with or without because honestly its JUST Facebook. lol.


Secondly, Church....Well Jer and I were members of Word Of Life in Niverville until recently when we decided to start looking for another church. I was honestly at a point in my life to throw my hands up and walk away from church all together due to the politics and disgusting things we have witnessed being involved in ministries and seeing what too much power and control can do to a group and individuals. We also realized that we gave everything to that church and loved our church family but were so easily discarded by it that it made us feel used and uncared for by it. There were a few people who said they missed us but not the people we expected. oh well. We will move on and find another place to call our home church because after being without for sometime now we realize we miss that connection to God you get from going every week. We will miss a lot of the people we got to know through WOL and know that some truly loved and supported us. We feel like some of them even became extended family members. BUT we are nervously excited to move on and move forward and grow even more spiritually through a new place we find, the sooner the better.I will also never be afraid to speak up and question my Leadership if I feel something is not in line with scripture and the teachings of Jesus. I will also remember to ask if actions I witness and the ones I make myself are done with Grace, Mercy and Love. IF THEY ARE NOT then they are NOT of God!!! Got any suggestions of a good church in my area?? haha:)

Lastly, I was having a really bad day just thinking about our finances and bills and trying to cope with things that seem to continue to add up, plus all the other stresses we have been facing over time...Jeremy's Dad being diagnosed with Cancer, plus the separation of family ties plus everything else that leaves a very long list of things spinning in my head. I would love to help my husband financially to relieve him of some of the pressure that is affecting our relationship but we only have one vehicle so I would have to work in town or nights and weekends:( Well I had worked out something simple with friends of ours to clean house for them but then also took a chance at applying at the Hotel here in town, I applied on Wednesday and Thursday morning I got a phone call and he said if I passed the serving it safe course I could start as soon as possible. So this week I took the course and got 91%!!!! So I start this Thursday!! YAY Me taking actions to help out my husband relieve some of the stresses we have had, and save $$$ for some holidays coming up in the next couple of years that we are hoping to take.
Yaaaaahhhhh SooOOOooooooOooo That is just a little update of ME and where I am now and how I got here and prayers are always welcome and so are your comments but HEY thanks for reading reader!!! :)

New Year, New Hurts, New ETC...

Happy new year reader, well I was not writing for a while because to be honest I was intimidated out of blogging and was encouraged to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself and make my blog more private, which really took the enjoyment out of it all. I was afraid to even attempt writing again because it was now under a microscope and I was being put on a tight leash. WHAT!? Seriously?
 I was a volunteer at our church and was happily enjoying getting involved in the Women's Ministry and a Sunday school teacher. Well with that came all kinds of new rules and insights to the inner workings of the political side of church and what I was learning and witness to had my skin crawling and red flags were flying all over the place. My Spirit has since been uneasy and things have been taking place that have had my head spinning. My husband and I recently had a conversation with a couple who we hold on very high regard, we hold them as our mentors, anyways the conversation was very insightful. Before our conversation I thought everything between me and my decision to remove myself from the Word Of Life bubble was based only on the spiritual battle that was going on. After our conversation though I realized that I might be held captive by individual relationship issues. I know now that some of our conflicts are indeed with individuals and there needs to be healing with those people eventually...eventually, but right now, now that I have recognized that my problems are with some select people I also need to re examine WHY those conflicts are there and what is the bigger picture and where do I fit back in? I need to check where the roots of those problems started and what can I do about them.
 My heart aches for reconciliation with some individuals, with my church, with my Leadership Team, with my spiritual being. I do not want to be clouded though. I do not want to blind to the warfare going on in desperate hopes of that reconciliation. I can see that happening if I am not careful. So I take this time to heal, recognize my hurts, forgive, move forward, Let Go and Let God work on all I cannot control.
Yeah this is 2012 and it is a new year and I am going to focus on bettering my growth to be closer to Jesus. It's a new year and I am going to dig deeper into the word to grow closer to God. Unleash his Holy healing mercies on my broken heart. Oh and I am back on the blogger radar because I am free to do so. Thanks for reading this silly little blog reader. Later :)