A crack in the silence and my walls that I built are crashing down around me.
Made of glass made from deceptions and its falling at my feet.
The purity of who I am is standing here exposed in front of You.
I cannot hear what You are calling me now because my internal screams are breaking out of body.
Like a porcelain doll that is aging in seconds my face is cracking and the imperfections are becoming evident.
Who I am, who I was, who I want to be, are all unearthed and begin to make my stomach turn at their stench.
I wanted to keep the mask's I earned hiding the truths I did not want to share.
The things I hide from everyone but You.
The tears trickle down my cracked and frail face at the discovery of how You are changing me.
I want to fight this.
I am not ready.
Don't You know how much this hurts.
My knees are beginning to buckle beneath me and it appears there is nothing left for me to do but crumble.
Against my own instincts of sheltering myself and raising the guards the out pouring of my soul begins.
My sins begin to fade as they are brought into Your lightness and the sobbing becomes uncontrollable.
Everything raw open and exposed I lay here in pure exhaustion from the exorcism of the burdens and the demons that I carried.
You let me rest.
... ... ...
Then You lift me up and walk with me.
I am no longer alone.
I no longer fear.
When I am weak, You give me strength.
I no longer hate what I am, who I am, who I want to be.
You give my life purpose other then living for myself.
You bless me for believing You.
You died for me.
You give me truth.
You are the Light.Divine.Amazing.
Almighty.Beginning.End.
Awesome.Alpha.Omega.
Savior.Salvation.
The One.The Only.The Way.
I want to live as You did.
I want to reach out and tell everyone who it was who gave my spirit this renewal.
It was You.
You Saved Me.
You...
...
You are my
GOD ♥
Well Happy New Year!
SO it is a new year and things are getting back to normal. We have returned to our regular madness in the mornings trying to peel my kids bodies out of the warmth of their comfy beds to get ready for school. Hubby is back to going up north for work and getting back into the swing of 12 hour days. As for me I am getting used to the torture of the alarm clock buzzing me awake 6:45 every morning and I am so far managing to stay awake the ENTIRE day (I was getting used to napping at 2 everyday before Christmas)and I have recently started shedding pounds in "clutter" in my house, I guess it is called clutter in some people's eyes...I did consider some of these things sentimental until recently for some reason I have detached myself from allot of 'STUFF' so I guess I pat myself on the back for this:)
What else?
From my perspective...that is what I called my blog, I am currently wondering IF that is what I want to stick with and IF not how does one change that? I am not sure how that is relevant to anything but whatever...haha
I hope everyone is doing well and I hope all had a wonderful Christmas. I guess that is where I am going next with this...My Christmas...I had a wonderful time with my husband and his family.Plus we had our very treasured friends join us for that celebration! Our children had great holidays too BUT...we suffered I think. I do not want to get too much into details but I am not getting along with my mother right now. I have very good reasons for not wanting to have much to do with her but over the holidays I TOTALLY was hitting a wall of darkness. I think the Devil was taking advantage of things going on and worked on my weak spots for a stint. I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with God right now that I can pray these feelings away but it was not always like that, I would have sunk deeper and deeper into this depressed state of mind that it would infect my life entirely and it would take an incredible shot of medication to escape it. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking meds whatsoever BUT I have a hard time remembering to do this daily and therefore the meds become a waste, so if I can go without then awesome! Anyways we had fun with the family gathering we went to on my side but was sad that my mother did not really put an effort to rectify anything for my children sake. I was disappointed. Then other things happened and I was fighting again for my beliefs and trying to keep a stand for my kids, my faith and myself. The darkness won for a bit over the holidays but not for very long. I remembered what the season was really about and we focused on that as a family and hubby and I tried to keep things pleasurable for our boys! I do have this longing for that side of my family to come together and be loving and supportive, and I miss them greatly ALL the time, I wish they would come to know me as I am now and enjoy me as I am but they are who they are and I cannot change them, I love them all and hope for the best and I can only live for my boys and be an example of Jesus for everyone I encounter in life.
Ok so what else??
My thumb hurts...Yeah a couple of days ago I cut it pretty bad while loading the dishwasher...I really should have gone in to get it stitched or glued but whatever I lived and now today it feels very very bruised and tender, I may have been working with it a bitt too aggressively because it was all dried and appeared scaby but I was washing counters and squeezed the cloth only to realize that scab was not as good as it looked and it broke open a bit to allow some puss to seep out *gross* and *gag* I know!!But as for that...the cut took place Tuesday about 1pm.I spoke to Hubby that night and he kind of got a little...no allot upset about it (which I predicted on facebook) but whatever. The next day I had left the house early in the day with the boys (skipped school) because I was going to a funeral then would be attending youth that night, so we got home far too late to call Hubby and I never got to talk to him until last night...WELL Karma is very real!!Hubby goes on with normal how are things? how are the kids? what is the weather like? other typical conversation topics for us...and not until after talking to each of our kids and preparing to say goodbye does he go on to tell me how Karma got him yesterday when working on cutting some pipe with a brand new saw, when all of a sudden this thing breaks and slams him in the head...what?what exactly hit him I was not sure...he says he was walking down to tell his coworker that it just broke and he should go get a new one when he notices the blood dripping down his face...WHAT!!??!!So they go to the hospital and he gets his head glued shut. He ended up with a tip of this saw snapping off and hitting him in the head near his hairline slicing clean through his toque(which was SOAKED in Blood) and luckily for him it was JUST a gash in the head he says...It could have taken out his eye he says...It did not even hurt he says...It was karma for him getting mad at me for my thumb slicing incident he says...Well I felt sick!!I was thinking this could have been FAR worse!!Of course I had the worst things running through my head like I have seen WAY too MANY movies and I am picturing how this could have taken him right out!! Well aren't we just pair I say!!!My goodness!!!
Well I guess it is time to head off and get some chores done up before the kids get home...I enjoyed this little "venting/update" session and can't wait to get regular with this!!:) Thanks for reading and comments are as always welcome!!:) Later Reader!
What else?
From my perspective...that is what I called my blog, I am currently wondering IF that is what I want to stick with and IF not how does one change that? I am not sure how that is relevant to anything but whatever...haha
I hope everyone is doing well and I hope all had a wonderful Christmas. I guess that is where I am going next with this...My Christmas...I had a wonderful time with my husband and his family.Plus we had our very treasured friends join us for that celebration! Our children had great holidays too BUT...we suffered I think. I do not want to get too much into details but I am not getting along with my mother right now. I have very good reasons for not wanting to have much to do with her but over the holidays I TOTALLY was hitting a wall of darkness. I think the Devil was taking advantage of things going on and worked on my weak spots for a stint. I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with God right now that I can pray these feelings away but it was not always like that, I would have sunk deeper and deeper into this depressed state of mind that it would infect my life entirely and it would take an incredible shot of medication to escape it. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking meds whatsoever BUT I have a hard time remembering to do this daily and therefore the meds become a waste, so if I can go without then awesome! Anyways we had fun with the family gathering we went to on my side but was sad that my mother did not really put an effort to rectify anything for my children sake. I was disappointed. Then other things happened and I was fighting again for my beliefs and trying to keep a stand for my kids, my faith and myself. The darkness won for a bit over the holidays but not for very long. I remembered what the season was really about and we focused on that as a family and hubby and I tried to keep things pleasurable for our boys! I do have this longing for that side of my family to come together and be loving and supportive, and I miss them greatly ALL the time, I wish they would come to know me as I am now and enjoy me as I am but they are who they are and I cannot change them, I love them all and hope for the best and I can only live for my boys and be an example of Jesus for everyone I encounter in life.
Ok so what else??
My thumb hurts...Yeah a couple of days ago I cut it pretty bad while loading the dishwasher...I really should have gone in to get it stitched or glued but whatever I lived and now today it feels very very bruised and tender, I may have been working with it a bitt too aggressively because it was all dried and appeared scaby but I was washing counters and squeezed the cloth only to realize that scab was not as good as it looked and it broke open a bit to allow some puss to seep out *gross* and *gag* I know!!But as for that...the cut took place Tuesday about 1pm.I spoke to Hubby that night and he kind of got a little...no allot upset about it (which I predicted on facebook) but whatever. The next day I had left the house early in the day with the boys (skipped school) because I was going to a funeral then would be attending youth that night, so we got home far too late to call Hubby and I never got to talk to him until last night...WELL Karma is very real!!Hubby goes on with normal how are things? how are the kids? what is the weather like? other typical conversation topics for us...and not until after talking to each of our kids and preparing to say goodbye does he go on to tell me how Karma got him yesterday when working on cutting some pipe with a brand new saw, when all of a sudden this thing breaks and slams him in the head...what?what exactly hit him I was not sure...he says he was walking down to tell his coworker that it just broke and he should go get a new one when he notices the blood dripping down his face...WHAT!!??!!So they go to the hospital and he gets his head glued shut. He ended up with a tip of this saw snapping off and hitting him in the head near his hairline slicing clean through his toque(which was SOAKED in Blood) and luckily for him it was JUST a gash in the head he says...It could have taken out his eye he says...It did not even hurt he says...It was karma for him getting mad at me for my thumb slicing incident he says...Well I felt sick!!I was thinking this could have been FAR worse!!Of course I had the worst things running through my head like I have seen WAY too MANY movies and I am picturing how this could have taken him right out!! Well aren't we just pair I say!!!My goodness!!!
Well I guess it is time to head off and get some chores done up before the kids get home...I enjoyed this little "venting/update" session and can't wait to get regular with this!!:) Thanks for reading and comments are as always welcome!!:) Later Reader!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)